I’m in the homestretch. Today is Christmas, 12/25 and I’m due with my rainbow Sierra Louise in just 4 days. I’ve had contractions off and on for the last few days and while painful, none have been regular or strong enough to amount to the ultimate end goal; my beautiful, healthy little girl in my arms.
I’m extremely anxious. I just want my little girl in my arms. Im sick of being pregnant, of being uncomfortable, nauseous, having heartburn, aches and pains. I want my body back.
But you know what I want the most? My baby. Ive had 16 months and 10 days without being able to hold my sweet child. Hill lived longer inside my womb than he did outside. I have NO interest in ANYONE telling me “oh don’t worry, she’ll be here soon and then you’ll be complaining about not getting any rest :)” NO SMILEY FACE. Keep your stupid smiley face to yourself. Do I seem angry? Its not anger. Its the pain of 16 months and 10 days of a nightmare; of waking up to my precious son not breathing. Of planning funeral and burials. Of eulogizing a 3 day old (what in hell do you say! ?!!) Of post partum bleeding lasting longer than his life. Of milk leaking from my breasts every 2 hours and the tears that flowed because the child I long to nourish lies in a morgue. And then more tears when my breasts finally got the memo that oh yeah this milk is not needed (fun fact, I kept my milk by taking fenugreek because I WANTED TO).
I AM SO ENTITLED. I am entitled to feel restless, upset, sad, etc. because my rainbow hasn’t been born yet. Its NOT ENOUGH to just be pregnant. I WAS pregnant. Pregnancy was NOT the problem. It was that 3 days after a painful yet worth it birth my body was not yet recovered and yet I had to say goodbye. I had to say goodbye to a perfect little person I had just met.
For 16 months and 10 days I’ve not had sleepless nights, stinky diapers, or whining. I’ve not had sticky kisses, drooling, and first words. I’ve not seen first steps or kissing a headfull of baby boy curls. Instead I’ve had what-ifs and shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.
So dammitt I’m entitled. I want my sweet little Sierra out of my womb and in my arms.
I.AM.ENTITLED.