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The program above I created for my son’s memorial service. At the time of his passing my family and I were living in Egypt. We had been living there since Nov. 2011, and we moved back to the states in June of this year. It was very very difficult being away from friends and family during that time, and it was super hard trying to figure out what to say for a Memorial for someone’s whose life had just started. For God’s sake I should have been sending out birth annoucements! So When I made the program I wanted it to look like a birth annoucement and my familly back in the US actually made his memorial look like a baby shower. So it “worked out”.

The program was pretty short. How do you eulogize a baby? You can’t. He didn’t get to do anything. All he got to do was cry a bit, breathe a bit, sleep alot, and then not waken again. So I wrote about us. Me and Marcus.

I met Marcus when I was about 9. He was like 6 or 7. It was love at first sight for him. Ha ha. Me too, because I remember when we would visit his house or see him in church I would try to look my 9 year old best. I would make sure my mom braided my hair just right, and have on the cutest outfit I could. Maybe swipe a bit of my mom’s lipstick and dab a bit on. Just enough to look a little cuter. When he was a bit older, he would try to kiss me, alot. Marcus was pretty big for his age, and I was super tiny, everyone thought I was at least 2-3 years younger than I was. So much so that I didnt really see him as being younger. We played together in the summers, alot of spin the bottle games and truth or dare. I loved to be dared to kiss him. It was all kiddy kissing though, but I loved it all.

When I was about 14, Marcus asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. I didnt want to but I “had” to. I was going to be a sophmore. He was only about 12ish. It hurt him dearly. He became pretty mean then, and I would yell in his face “you are just mad because I dissed you!” That was totally it, but I wasn’t exactly happy. You see, I loved him. I thought when I was little about marrying him. But how could it work I wondered in my teenage mind. So I grew up and moved on. The last time I saw him for quite a few years was when I was about 16. He moved away and started getting in trouble. I had my first boyfriend at 18, then went to college at 19. I always thought of him. In fact our families still teased us that we would be married or that we were in love with eachother. It just seemed impossible, because of time and distance. I went to school in California, and we are from New England.

In 2002 however my mom was remarried and Marcus’s mom was in the wedding. So Marcus was there. I trembled as I sat at the table with him eating during the reception, hoping he thought I was pretty. I was a young woman now, I looked different and he was super tall (just my thing!) and handsome. I whispered to my sister “I’m gonna marry him” and “thats my husband”.  Later he asked for a hug and I pretended not to want to hug him. 

We exchanged numbers and talked on the phone alot. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend though and being all the way in California and he had had a girlfriend too meant it wasn’t our time. But I had a dream during this time and it was of us getting married. We fell out of touch again, but in 2005 after I moved back East, he and I met up again and from that day in June, we were inseparable.

We got a place together in NY where I was working as a Designer and he worked in a law office. In  2006 we were married, and January 2007 we had our first child, Nataliya Gail. We ended up moving from NY back to our hometown to raise our daughter, but in 2011 we decided to try to open a factory for my bridal dress line in Egypt. When we were there for about 2 months I discovered I was pregnant. I knew it would be a boy and in a dream we called him Hill. I woke up and looked in the bible and found the name Hillkiah which means “God is my portion”.

My pregnancy was long and hard in the hot Egyptian summer. The electricity frequently went out, water went off alot, and I was sick quite a few times, but when I went to the doctor everything was fine. I had trouble walking because he was so big. I actually didnt gain much “fat” weight, but I looked ready to deliver at 6/7 months. My baby was so big I was sure he would come early. But just after midnight on 8/12 I went into labor for 5 hours and when it was time to push he was out in 2 pushes. We named him Marcus Hillkiah.

The day he was born I just felt so happy so complete.  I made him a Moby wrap and used cloth diapers on him. When I put him in the Moby wrap he went fast to sleep. I used a baby brush to smooth his curls, and giggled when they popped back up. I nuzzled his neck and laughed and called him a baby pervert when he made happy little sounds (yes I am crazy). I told Tally who was 5 at the time to go to bed for the night. When I went to the bathroom and left him on his back in the middle of the bed, she snuck in the bed with him and went to sleep. I came back and saw her with her arm around him. He was awake his gorgeous eyes open his little arms and legs flaling about. I wish I had been able to take a picture because it was so beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I ever ever saw.

He was cute and big yet small. He had hands like mine, so tiny and perfect and Marcus’s feet. He liked when I sang to him “Our God is an Awesome God” because I sang it to him in my belly and to soothe him. Daddy sang “3 little birds” by Bob Marley. I tear up when I hear the song now. We brought him a cute little blue red and white blanket with cars and trucks allover it. I planned to make him some baby clothes with elephants and monkeys. He looked like a little frog, or a tiny baby basketball player because he was so long.

The story of us doesn’t end here, but the story of Hill being on this earth does. So you see it’s hard to eulogize a baby. But his story is me and Marcus and Tally’s story too. It’s the story of us, and how little Hill fit into that story. Its a story I will tell anyone who will listen for years and years.