I just spent some time adding a few of the blog posts from babycenter and fb posts I wrote in the weeks/months after we lost our little boy. It’s interesting to note that things haven’t really changed. I don’t scream audibly now, and I do get out of bed, but I really dont want to.
I actually told my husband two days ago that if I don’t get better I would like to be committed into a mental institution of some sort. Perhaps I need very in depth counselling. Of course I do feel it’s simply because I am so in fear of his 1st birthday being here, but he’s not here.
To do something on that day is a big frigging deal to me. I want to have a nice experience for my daughter, and also count my blessings because I am 19 weeks pregnant today- not sure what I am having yet, just let the baby be healthy and LIVE and bury ME and my husband someday. That’s all I care about. I did really want a son, because obviously I feel cheated in some ways, but really there are so many people who never get to experience the love that is all encompassing for children of their own, or they had a loss and never went on to have another living child again… so I am blessed but GOD IF IT STILL DON’T HURT!!!!! Would this child even exist if Hilly hadn’t passed away. I mean, I got pregnant when he was supposed to be 6 months old. I would have been breastfeeding, and been tired and probably barely having any sex with my husband so that’s what gets me. This soul only came to be because Hill’s soul was removed from his body. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. I wanted to get pregnant really bad after Hill passed.
Anyway, I appreciate your reading this. And I am sorry for your loss too. I am sure the only people who would read this, would be those that are part of this BS club. 😦