This life is like not living… my son’s soul left his body and took mine with it, but my body still “functions” and behaves as if it’s alive… it’s on Auto Pilot. I hate this life. I do, and I hate to say it. I just want my son back. He was so sweet and tiny yet big! And I imagine what it would be like to have him now, what I would dress him in, him smiling at me with gorgeous gums and a pearly white tooth, so beautiful yet I will never see it from him. I am missing him so much but also just the comfort of a baby and I feel so sad, cus I got my AF again, this is the second cycle so far and it seems a bit shorter than I thought it would be… will it regulate, and can I get pregnant?
I think for Hill colors like red, would be great but also I love dusty grays, browns, orange and greens, that cool nerdy hipster look… and also I would dress him in little baseball caps and shorts and tees or jeans, with cute little sneakers like adidas…. I am rambling but I imagine him looking so cute, kind of hip hop b-boy (my DH loves b-boy street dance type stuff and basketball and I imagine our son would be like him) and he loves that nerdy cool look too.
I want Hill to be whining all night long and then giggling in the day. I want to be annoyed by him, and to have my 5yo be jealous of him, but then shriek with joy when he does something sweet to her! I want my DH to be holding him and calling him “his buddy” and to be hearing him say funny stuff to him! I want to be washing the cloth diapers and thinking I must be crazy to use them now! I want to be saying to him “But I just fed you!” then laughing as I get him to latch on, laughing about my greedy fat baby boy! I know he would have been fat and juicy and everyone would say (like they did about my DD when she was a baby) maybe you feed him too much, and I would laugh in my head and ignore them. I want to be making him cute little jammies with elephants, frogs, tigers and lions on them. Picking out little baby toys for him…
Writing this made me feel this weird happiness to imagine it, its the only hope I have in the world now… that either I will see him again and get all that love and happiness that comes with it or that someday soon I will be able to do that with another baby, and no matter what my heart will be looking forward to the second boy I ever loved, Hill. The first was his Daddy 🙂
my angel hill 