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baby loss, baby loss blog, bereaved parents, child loss, grieving mommy, grieving parents, mourning mommy, rainbow baby, surviving child
So… I had my rainbow. She’s beautiful. Her name is Sierra Louise. She was born January 3rd, 2014 at 10:21am weighing 7lbs 5 ounces and 19.5″ long, She’s super sweet and an easy baby. She sleeps alot and she isn’t at all fussy. Of course, after losing my son Hilly a baby who sleeps alot can be unsettling. She looks so much like her brother and my oldest daughter which sometimes scares the crud out of me. When she was being born, I was so scared because her heart rate kept dropping and I barely had any energy to push her out, but I did it. She was whisked away immediately and i just kept praying, “Please let her be okay, please let her be okay.” Well she is. She’s perfect. But I still get so scared. I freak out over everything. I constantly check to see if she’s breathing. If she’s too still for too long I have to disturb her a little so I can check and see if she’s okay. It’s hard. It’s getting “easier” but it’s still hard.
Adjusting to life with a newborn is a kind of difficult in itself, with round the clock nursing, millions of diapers, etc. She sleeps well at night, but the only way she will sleep well at night is to bed share. I had no interest in bed sharing really initially. I was going to get the Rock n’ Play but ended getting an adorable bassinet. She HATES it. With a passion. As soon as her little back touches it, she freaks out. She can be deeply asleep and suddenly its like DON’T EVEN GO THERE! My eldest daughter was exactly the same way. In fact they are both so much the same that it seems like I got the same baby girl twice. They look exactly alike, just my rainbow was born smaller. So back to the bed sharing. I dont really buy the whole bed sharing can increase the risk of SIDS. That is suffocation/sleep related deaths, and for me, I practice safer bed sharing. Truth is though, there is not so much that can be done, especially related to SIDS which is impossible to prevent. I hate that babies die suddenly for no apparent reason. However, its the only way she will sleep, and like I said I watch her like a hawk anyway. I know eventually she’ll grow out of it like her big sister did… to an extent, since she’s 7 and still likes to sleep with us if I let her.
Anyway, Sierra or SiSi will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Time is flying. I feel a tinge of sadness knowing she wont be this tiny for long, but also relief. I just want her to GROW and LIVE. I don’t want a forever baby like with Hilly. I want her to bury me and her father, and not vice versa. I’m tired of death. I’m tired of the fear of death, of finding my child gone. So I welcome each passing week and each milestone reached.
When Sierra turned 4 days old, I celebrated. The fear and stress of day 3 was with me all pregnancy, like a countdown, and when that day came and went uneventfully, it was like THANK YOU GOD! But my heart hurts still. I want him back, I need him to feel complete and whole again. Sometimes I kiss her and imagine it is him. Sometimes I take care of her and whisper “See Hilly Mommy would have taken good care of you”. I go to the store and buy her socks, diapers, etc. and pause at the boy’s clothes, imagining what I’d have gotten if this trip was for him. He’d be 18 months, 12 days old. I wonder if he’d be running around, getting into trouble. What he would like. What snacks he’d want. Would he have self weaned or be a Mama’s boy. Would he be able to say his name? There’s so many questions, and no answers.
Having a rainbow doesn’t provide any healing. AT ALL. It provides a NEW CHAPTER in your life. It provides a new prospective on your loss, and new set of priorities. Tally is happy to be a big sister (again) but she stated that she still misses Hill. He means so much to our family. I wonder what this journey will bring, how to balance my grief with my joy, my fears with my hope, my love with my loss. I wonder how to make sure Tally knows I love her, SiSi knows I love her, but they understand that I will eternally till we are reunited Love Hill.